The simple pleasures 

so…..,it’s been many months since I’ve blogged. I blame it on the absence of anger. Like the tide going out, it just slowly slipped away and there I was, left standing among family and friends, happy and enjoying life. It was a tad unnerving to not be experiencing seething angst and needing to “blog” out my feelings. I actually had “nothing?” to say.  Well, the silence in my head was a welcome change, however when ones life almost literally falls apart, gathering and putting back all the pieces takes more time than I ever imagined.  Much like a skittish cat with its back arched in terror, I felt like I needed to be armed and prepped for the next disaster. It didn’t come. I was able to regain a little more focus on my job than I had in a long time, I was not only present for my kids but actually experienced enormous pleasure spending time with them and I even began a new relationship…….

Before I’m ready to blog about new guy, I must first elaborate on the fact that in these last few months, I have re-established a relationship with myself. Investing in my interests which happen to be travel, home design, reading (I can finally focus on reading more than the comment section on my Facebook posts…Yahoo!! I just finished reading my first novel in years!), shopping and of course…,dance! 

So, today I am celebrating the baby steps my life has taken, the simple pleasures. Great people, great places to visit ….and books!

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Brighter skies ahead….a promise to myself 

It’s been awhile since I’ve felt compelled to write more than two sentences. My emotions have been so up and down that I felt like I’d be owning up to official insanity if I wrote anything down. The one conclusion I have come to is that living in anger sucks. I am not normally an angry person but these last few weeks I feel like I’ve been residing there more than ever before in my life. Yuck! It’s an ugly place to be. The random, vengeful and spiteful thoughts that have come to my mind recently are disturbing even to me. I’m pretty much willing to do just about anything to quiet the rage and let go of the obsession of anger that I’m clinging to. A wise person recently told me to pray for the ones I’m resenting( AKA PP, ex fiancé and Hefty moron, the new Unsuspecting pin cushion) I’m supposed to pray every day for two weeks for these two individuals who represent the scum of society (in my opinion) for them to receive everything Ive wanted in life (peace, love happiness etc) Sooooo, through gritted teeth I’ve begun to do this. Funny thing is every time  I finish one of my insincere “prayers”, I immediately feel temporarily relieved of a little piece of the bondage of hate and actually experience euphoria as I would describe it. Here comes the but…,,

I guess the source of my anger rests upon the fact that in 2013 both my parents died. Both very quick. My mother to cancer and my father less than two months later from a broken heart. My parents meant the world to me and were very involved in my life and the lives of my children. During this time I was unavailable and distracted because of the abusive relationship that I was in that I not only missed out on valuable time with them before they died, I wasn’t able to properly grieve. After my mother passed, my father began to spiral downwards quickly. “PP”, became increasingly annoyed by the interference and attention my father was requiring. One time he even said “if only your dad would die we could cash in on the inheritance.,,,”. He pressured me to take a road trip with him to visit his parents (whom he ignored the entire time checking his facebook btw), even though my fathers emotional state had reached the point of crisis. 

Immediately after my father passed away, PP got involved with the dismantling of my parents home. He constantly attempted to suggest my sister was taking more and purposely tried to create financial riffs between my sister and myself. He pressured me to buy a home with him with the inheritance I was left and when that didn’t happen fast enough he suggested I “loan” him money to renovate his dilapidated house. Two months after the death of my father he proposed. 

Is this story setting off alarm bells yet?

This man is/was a monster. However because he is a sociopath he charms the world into believing otherwise. Ok ok so I got out. I recognized enough was enough. Move on and celebrate right?  I did on many levels but I can’t seem to extinguish this smouldering fire of anger. You may be thinking to yourself I can see the reason for anger towards PP, but why be angry with Hefty? Here’s why. We were casual mutual friends before. In fact we had been making plans to take a hooping class together a few weeks down the road.  In that same conversation I told her that PP and I had broken up. Her reaction was surprise and dismay “oh that’s so sad, I love you both” were her exact words. A week later she had slept with him and blocked me on facebook. I can’t think of anyone who has any type decency, or integrity who would do something like that. I certainly wouldn’t. That’s why she made it on my “hit” list. As for him, what makes my blood boil so much is that once he exhausted his efforts to lure me back after our break up, he turned around and picked up with the first retarded (sorry, I know that’s harsh) and willing thing he could find and  began his bullshit charm routine all over again as if nothing ever happened. He’s Scott free and unaccountable, meanwhile his antics contributed for nearly putting an already grieving family further into crisis. I feel ripped off. There is massive wreckage from him and unrepairable loss that I’m left with forever while he’s off making ridiculous duets and writing thought provoking philosophies about life. Well isn’t that great for them. NOT

I’m sure it’s plain to anyone who is reading this that clearly the person I’m really mad at is….,,drum roll (how ironic) is….Me!! I tolerated him. I allowed this man to be in my life, behave badly, say horrific things about my friends and family, and I forgave him time and time again. I see it. I need to work on forgiving myself. It’s coming slowly, but IT AIN’T EASY! 

I will conclude on a small positive note. The answer lies in forgiveness and my ability to strengthen my spiritual connection. The moments that I experience pure blissful peace and contentment happen a little more frequently these days and for that I am grateful and hopeful. I’ve repaired the damage with my sister and close friends. I’ve begun helping other women and I’ve had more quality and meaningful time with my children since I can remember. I am truly lucky and as for anger? It is just a feeling and this too shall pass 

987 654 432 likes…..


Dear facebook,
Even though we were separated for a short time, I have come back to you with mixed emotion. I want to thank you for allowing me to share some of the positive highlights of my life, the parts of life to celebrate. I’m also grateful for the opportunity to catch up with old friends and family and feel like I’m generally updated on their lives. I have to tell you though that because I cherish my privacy, what I choose to share doesn’t represent the whole picture of my life.  I haven’t confessed the hardships, struggles and heartaches, even though there have been many. Those times when I posted something sappy when I was really feeling empty thank you for not judging me. I really must admit though that I’ve been very angry at you many times when you have allowed the blatant lies, injustices and bullshit of others to exist. You know, the Ones who post how much they love their child as if they were the highlight of their life when You know that behind closed doors they actually neglect and treat them like shit. The ones, who post how blessed they are to have such wonderful family,parents or friends when You know it’s a ruse and decoy to gain more attention and admiration on Facebook. The Ones who posts how genuine, passionate and loving they are when behind the Seens they behave like satan reincarnate. They conveniently hide behind their fake smiles thinking you represent reality and no one is noticing their charade.  I was an enabler of ones like that for a short time I admit. I wanted to delete you forever But then I remembered not all of us are narcissistic abusers. Mang of us are all just searching for meaning and happiness, trying to stay positive by sharing triumph over struggle and all the goodness in their worlds. I’m sorry that I have not paid proper attention to what people have been eating, wearing, watching or listening to, I confess I was seeking a much deeper, sense of inspiring authenticity about life and I forgot your just facebook. I accept you for who you are and I forgive you for your limitations, and for at times being deceitful and shallow….carry on. 

Love 

Facebook user 

Surviving mommyhood. Chapter 1. And then there were more

Once upon a time, there was these two….

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As you can see daughter 1 is thrilled to have a baby sister to share all the attention with. Daughter 1 is conservative, practical and responsible. Daughter 2 is a free spirit with a long list of demands. Along came a day where the idea of a baby boy was pondered. And so, blink blink, there I was pregnant again with baby 3…..but wait. On the way to the first ultrasound, I said to my husband “you know, I’d have four children if I didn’t have to be pregnant 4 times….” And wham! Let there be twins! Yes, we were granted our wish to complete the family with not one but two boys. 4 children in four years. BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR! Just for fun, Let’s throw into this mix, husband lands himself out of work 4 months before twins are set to arrive. My,we like our even numbers! So…..Three weeks after thing 1 and thing 2 are born, this double breast feeding cow and all her ducklings moved 6 hours north for husbands new job. No family, no friends, no familiarity, know what I mean?! The first year was a blur. I did not fit into “mommy and me” programs, playgroups or well..,,,anything! I was not concerned with homemade, gluten free, peanut free, cloth diaper, baby Einstein , Montessori, sippy cup vs bottle dialogue..COME ON!! I had to carry two infant Seats everywhere I went. I had four, four and under, moving in different directions. I was  in pure survival mode!! To say I felt sorry for myself would indicate I had time to think.

Many many chapters of fun and frustration followed over the years but what prompted me to write this blog was a picture I came upon of these two monkeys ….

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And the memories I had suppressed came flooding back. Along with this note I found from thing 1 and thing 2’s kindergarten teacher….

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This pretty much sums up my life in those early years with the fantastic 4. Stay tuned for many more flashbacks…

Disclaimer: no children were harmed in the making of these memories and are subject to varying degrees of perception.

Speechless

Objectified electrified stupefied mortified horrified amplified rectified
-do it again repeat

Wanting loving lusting thrusting lying luring trying yearning learning crying spying denying
-do it again repeat

Helpful wistful wishful vengeful deceitful regretful forgetful thankful
-do it again repeat

Happy sappy loopy droopy grumpy lumpy frumpy
-do it again repeat

Masterbate exaggerate commiserate berate obliterate annihilate
-do it again repeat

Swirling twirling alluring touring grieving meaning leaving deceiving yelling expelling
-do it again repeat

Drive arrive thrive strive survive alive jive dive
-do it again repeat

Regret detest confess respect expect detect connect protect
-do it again repeat

Forgive live forgive live forgive
-do it again repeat

A few shades of me

This past week is the first of several consecutive days of feeling not just content, but great! I have been awed and inspired by some truly amazing blogs I’ve read, had some insightful interactions with people and as a result, I feel like an inner light got switched on. What a blessing to be able to write that. Not only do I NOT have an incessant urge to write about my recent break up, I’m not harbouring any resentment towards “PP” OR “hefty”. I even almost texted the dweeb yesterday to express how happy I was for him-and then I remembered he is an abuser and that poor girl hasn’t got a clue how her life is about to be derailed, so I decided to embrace my jubilation for life selfishly and pat myself on the back instead.

I think the shift came when I was honestly able to acknowledge myself in all my addictive, obsessive, insecurity driven ways. These character set backs have been the demon on my shoulder that has kept me stuck and repeating patterns for years. Of which I’ve hidden behind the notion of being discovered for who I am. This was a paralyzing fear of which for some reason today I am not investing. 

Super heroes

As part of my job I spend 20 minutes everyday offering support in the kindergarten room. I can honestly say it’s my favourite part of the day. Maybe it’s because I know I get to leave, but they are so adorable and say the most hilarious random things. I was passing by this little 4 year old the other day and he reached out and grabbed my arm. He looked me in the eye with this earnest look and said “I’m a super hero”. After he said it he held my stare long enough so I could absorb the importance of his words. So, I said “really? How cool! What are your super powers?”. He replied “I can jump over buildings, and I have laser eyes!”.

Just tonight I had a similar discovery about myself, and that is I have super power hearing AND super power mind control. Let me explain. My super hearing is such that it only detects criticisms and insults. My super power mind control works in conjunction with my hearing in that it magically makes compliments vanish into thin air so that the insults and criticisms can be that much more amplified..,,cool huh? Just wanted to share

Retribution-continued aftermath of an abusive break up

I couldn’t understand why it was bothering me so much that PP had happily moved on from me to Hefty Moron, after all, I prayed to be released from the nightmare of that relationship for a loooong time.  I was worried that it was a case of me not wanting him but not wanting anyone else to have him either and that made me feel selfish, until it occurred to me that the manner in which he moved on was his last attempt at abuse.  By this I mean that by deliberately demonstrating that he is capable of treating someone else respectfully with kindness, love and support is his way of alluding to the fact that I was either crazy or just not worthy enough for him to treat me this way. It was a deliberate action intended to make me feel as though I was easily replaced without a second thought and as if I never even existed.  This is just another example of the extent he will go to hurt others who he claimed to have loved. 

The great thing is is that today I sit in the knowledge that life serves its own form of retribution. The people he thinks he’s fooling are irrelevant. The ones who matter know all too well what kind of monster he is. The innocent ones who unknowingly walk into his life are either serving their own form of retribution or are about to get the biggest Shake up of their life. To those I say “good luck and God bless”

abuse – a poem

Bruised and scarred by many bad choices
Intuition ignored and all inner voices
Now I’m a shadow of something not whole
Self rejected, detested and emptied out soul

Defeated, depleted
Loveless, alone
There are days when I wish
I could just isolate at home

Travel and clothes and substance galore
Leaves me empty inside and longing for more
Feeling unravelled and partially present
Robs the people I care for and leaves them with resent

Even though I’m surrounded by laughter and glee
It’s the absence of love I know the world cannot see

Indifference is the killer of any type joy
I can do it my selfie and passionless toy
The vultures exist with their secretive scheme
To the world their a star but their not what they seem

The taunting with smiles and made up renditions
Makes me sick and repulsed by societies condition 

Honesty seems a tall order to ask

Who am I to question the convenient mask 
– anonymous

#abuse, #narcissism

Wrecking ball

Well I can honestly say that life stops standing still when one decides to dislodge their feet from the mud. Being hyper focused on failed relationships and the pursuit of the perfect one was a cycle I can at last say is giving me a reprieve. I’ve come to the conclusion that If the uncertainty and work out weighs the fun then it’s just not worth it. There are plenty of other areas in my life that have taken a back seat for far too long and it’s time to reinvest in myself.

I’m about to embark on an exciting and new journey into the world of home renos. The plan is to convert my basement into a one bedroom apartment. Today was an exhausting day emptying the basement and dispersing the contents throughout my house. The crew arrives tomorrow for demolition day. All the existing walls will be torn down and prepped for framing of new rooms and new walls.

I’m concerned that my inner shopping demon is going to be panting at the prospect of picking out new kitchen and bath materials and I’m going to wind up with a full house Reno before I can blink an eye OR my OCD is going to be panicking at the overall rubble, dirt and mess involved in this project. In any event, all other obsessions will be on hiatus for the next 3-5 weeks.

My final and most important question is, I wonder if tomorrow the demolition crew will come in on a wrecking ball and should I be calling in sick to work to watch?!