It’s been awhile since I’ve felt compelled to write more than two sentences. My emotions have been so up and down that I felt like I’d be owning up to official insanity if I wrote anything down. The one conclusion I have come to is that living in anger sucks. I am not normally an angry person but these last few weeks I feel like I’ve been residing there more than ever before in my life. Yuck! It’s an ugly place to be. The random, vengeful and spiteful thoughts that have come to my mind recently are disturbing even to me. I’m pretty much willing to do just about anything to quiet the rage and let go of the obsession of anger that I’m clinging to. A wise person recently told me to pray for the ones I’m resenting( AKA PP, ex fiancé and Hefty moron, the new Unsuspecting pin cushion) I’m supposed to pray every day for two weeks for these two individuals who represent the scum of society (in my opinion) for them to receive everything Ive wanted in life (peace, love happiness etc) Sooooo, through gritted teeth I’ve begun to do this. Funny thing is every time I finish one of my insincere “prayers”, I immediately feel temporarily relieved of a little piece of the bondage of hate and actually experience euphoria as I would describe it. Here comes the but…,,
I guess the source of my anger rests upon the fact that in 2013 both my parents died. Both very quick. My mother to cancer and my father less than two months later from a broken heart. My parents meant the world to me and were very involved in my life and the lives of my children. During this time I was unavailable and distracted because of the abusive relationship that I was in that I not only missed out on valuable time with them before they died, I wasn’t able to properly grieve. After my mother passed, my father began to spiral downwards quickly. “PP”, became increasingly annoyed by the interference and attention my father was requiring. One time he even said “if only your dad would die we could cash in on the inheritance.,,,”. He pressured me to take a road trip with him to visit his parents (whom he ignored the entire time checking his facebook btw), even though my fathers emotional state had reached the point of crisis.
Immediately after my father passed away, PP got involved with the dismantling of my parents home. He constantly attempted to suggest my sister was taking more and purposely tried to create financial riffs between my sister and myself. He pressured me to buy a home with him with the inheritance I was left and when that didn’t happen fast enough he suggested I “loan” him money to renovate his dilapidated house. Two months after the death of my father he proposed.
Is this story setting off alarm bells yet?
This man is/was a monster. However because he is a sociopath he charms the world into believing otherwise. Ok ok so I got out. I recognized enough was enough. Move on and celebrate right? I did on many levels but I can’t seem to extinguish this smouldering fire of anger. You may be thinking to yourself I can see the reason for anger towards PP, but why be angry with Hefty? Here’s why. We were casual mutual friends before. In fact we had been making plans to take a hooping class together a few weeks down the road. In that same conversation I told her that PP and I had broken up. Her reaction was surprise and dismay “oh that’s so sad, I love you both” were her exact words. A week later she had slept with him and blocked me on facebook. I can’t think of anyone who has any type decency, or integrity who would do something like that. I certainly wouldn’t. That’s why she made it on my “hit” list. As for him, what makes my blood boil so much is that once he exhausted his efforts to lure me back after our break up, he turned around and picked up with the first retarded (sorry, I know that’s harsh) and willing thing he could find and began his bullshit charm routine all over again as if nothing ever happened. He’s Scott free and unaccountable, meanwhile his antics contributed for nearly putting an already grieving family further into crisis. I feel ripped off. There is massive wreckage from him and unrepairable loss that I’m left with forever while he’s off making ridiculous duets and writing thought provoking philosophies about life. Well isn’t that great for them. NOT
I’m sure it’s plain to anyone who is reading this that clearly the person I’m really mad at is….,,drum roll (how ironic) is….Me!! I tolerated him. I allowed this man to be in my life, behave badly, say horrific things about my friends and family, and I forgave him time and time again. I see it. I need to work on forgiving myself. It’s coming slowly, but IT AIN’T EASY!
I will conclude on a small positive note. The answer lies in forgiveness and my ability to strengthen my spiritual connection. The moments that I experience pure blissful peace and contentment happen a little more frequently these days and for that I am grateful and hopeful. I’ve repaired the damage with my sister and close friends. I’ve begun helping other women and I’ve had more quality and meaningful time with my children since I can remember. I am truly lucky and as for anger? It is just a feeling and this too shall pass