As I wake up to a lazy Sunday morning contemplating life and well, literally solving all the problems of the world (ha ha)….it occurs to me how messed up I am and how much healing is required for me to be ok again after two years with PP.
I’ve been so focused on being validated about the abusive events that took place and immensely angry that I was replaced so quickly with someone I knew, whom I will refer to as the hefty moron (hey, I’m not being mean, I modified her last name with her band name, ok?) that I have not recognized how wounded I really am. Even admitting to that generates fear in me because of such an inflated sense of false pride and resistance to being considered a “victim”.
I struggle today because of what I have taken away after two years of emotional, mental and physical abuse and that is that I now conduct myself under a paralyzing fear of continuously attempting to keep the peace. Not to be too hard on myself because this was a realistic survival tactic to living in my circumstances. However, it is unhealthy and doesn’t serve in my relationships with people now. I’ve become so passive that I’m silently abusing and killing myself by not speaking up and expressing my opinion to the people I love, even if that means calling them on their shit and disagreeing with them. Even if that means conflict. The passionless existence I’m currently living in is because of me and no one else. Even admitting to myself that I can speak up and object to what someone else is saying or to how I’m being treated generates anxiety within me, which is proof that this is where my work lies.
In conclusion, if I am to be seeking passion, challenge and fulfillment in my life then I need to work on letting my wounds heal and prepare to parachute out of the safe zone I have been living in. LOOK OUT BELOW!!